Top: Boohoo // Skirt: Urban Outfitters // Belt: Matalan // Shoes: New Look // Bag: Marc Jacobs
These past few days my head has been completely all over the place. I don't know whether that's down to my medication, my hormones or whether it's simply down to the fact that life is just a bit too much. I wake up every single day striving to achieve something but spend the whole day doubting myself and fall asleep feeling unfulfilled. My mind constantly reminds of how stuck I am and I'm struggling to think past all these negative thoughts. It's a strange feeling to describe, it feels like I'm always searching for confidence and reassurance when I need to find that within me.
I have always been a doer, I always wanted to be on the go or working on something as that's just the way I am. I thrive off being busy and being kept on my toes because it's exciting to me! It's one of my favourite traits ever but being ill really hit it in a big way. I still wanted to be the doer and tried so hard for so long to keep up that lifestyle but I reached a point where both mentally and physically, I couldn't do it anymore. From October 2017-March 2018 I spent most of my time at home, I stopped making plans because it was more comfortable and easier to hide away and with that, the doer in me hid away too. Now I don't want to dwell on that time but I don't regret these months as I still believe everything in life happens for a reason, at the time I wanted to do that and nobody was telling me otherwise so I did it. For once in my life I wanted to feel comfortable which was a huge change for someone like me who's an endless dreamer and thinks anything is possible!
I wanted to feel safe and secure.
When you acknowledge a change like that you realise how quickly life can be flipped and the impact that has on people. I do feel like I was a different person, I don't think of myself as 'being me' then but I don't really think anyone could've stopped that from happening.
Recently my health has been incredible but unfortunately that's only down to steroids. I'm going to do a whole post on steroids soon but to sum it up they come with a book full of side effects and are only a temporary fix. With my health having improved, everything else in life seems to have improved alongside and I finally feel like the doer in me is back. I want to get up and go out every single day because I spent so long dreading the thought of doing that! I want to go and work, go and learn because I'm so motivated to maintain this quality of life because I missed it so much!
The thing is, I don't know and am rather scared of if it's all going to end...
I'm slowly coming off steroids and starting a new treatment which takes between 3-6 months to know if it has worked. Of course I'm trying to think positively but the reality is I don't have a clue what the next 6 months of my life are going to hold and I feel stuck.
I'm stuck between venturing into my dreams now or waiting till I reach remission with this new long term treatment. I'm stuck between planning my life, hoping things will be okay or waiting to find out what each day brings. I'm stuck because my health is a waiting game and I want to have confidence in my health before I can have 100% confidence in myself.
So I've decided that the journey really begins today in becoming unstuck.
I want to get back on track, focus on my goals and go after life full force! I'm a big believer in the little things making the biggest difference so here are my little goals for this week...
1. Get back driving and gain confidence again
2. Be consistent with good content on your blog
3. Sign up for the gym and go to fitness classes!
I've decided I'm going to try and do 'Monthly Goals' posts to keep track of where my life is going as I feel having the support of all you lovely readers will be a great motivation. I've had a lot of knock backs recently, but I'm determined to be coming out the other side!
Fingers Crossed!
Lucy Jane