Dress: Charity Shop // Bag: Primark // Earrings: Primark // Shoes: Steve Madden // Sunglasses: Monki

After my week in Cyprus, I did a lot of thinking about a lot of things. I want to take things back with my blog, write about whats been on my mind, share my inner thoughts rather than being impersonal. 
So I'm going to do just that...

Feeling loved but how do we fall in love?
I suppose it's something personal that I don't really share on social media which is kind of strange as I can share the fact I poo into a bag but when it comes to speaking about love and all things related, I feel so vulnerable and can't open up. I've never been that close to someone that I felt I was falling in love so I guess I don't know how to. 

Love is such a personal thing and I think there is a huge difference from being widely loved by a lot of people, to being loved by an individual. I know I'm loved by a lot of people and that's not me being self-obsessed, I simply know that my friends and family are the most loving, incredible people ever and I feel their love constantly. But when it comes to being whole-heartedly loved by an individual, I have no idea how that feels and recently it's started to play on my mind...

So I have an Ileostomy bag which I'm sure many of you know, I poo in a bag and my body looks different to everyone else's. It's changed my life but it's obviously a huge thing to adapt to.
I'm confident with it, I own it most of the time but I still get hints of negativity sneaking in and if I'm honest, it's mainly around other people accepting me for me.
I worry that when I do truly open up, someone will reject it and reject me. 
Yes, everyone hates rejection but I'm scared that rejection from others might spark rejection from myself and that's terrifying to me. I love my bag, I love my body and I love the way my life has been since surgery and I never want anyone to make me think any differently. I have the whole 'fake it till you make it' mantra when it comes to body confidence and honestly, it works so much for me but I suppose I'm putting up this guard by doing that. 
I do have down days, I do feel self conscious and I'm scared that falling in love could hurt me like an absolute bitch.

I don't know if this makes any sense or if anyone cares but I was watching a video on disabilities and relationships and one lady spoke about something someone had said to her...
'If you're in a toy shop and theres a shiny new toy next to an old broken toy, why would you chose the broken one over the shiny one?'
Sounds silly but hearing that really hurt me and started me thinking in a way I don't want to allow myself to.

It's weird to write about this but I hope someone understands. 
Right now I am happy as can be, I've never had a relationship so all I've known is being an independent boss bitch and that's exactly what I'm channeling! 
These thoughts are some of my most vulnerable and the only time when negativity seems to push it's way into my mind. 
I'm not sad about it just anxious but I suppose life always works itself out in the strangest ways and for now I'll continue to feel loved by the world and figuring out falling in love will come with time...

Lucy Jane 

(P.S. Enjoy the pics of me living out my Mamma Mia dreams in Cyprus, when I do fall in love a Greek wedding is definitely on the cards)